This week I learned a lesson about shame.
I was presented with a difficult question about my past and I immediately felt shame, anger, resentment, frustration and sadness. None of these feelings were directed toward the person that was inquiring. They were directed at myself and the circumstances.
I lied.
When asked the same question again several days later. Those same emotions reared their ugly head.
I lied again.
After being eaten alive by my own guilt about lying, I decided I had made a mistake, and needed to be honest. Owning up to the lie was worse than the actual lie. I expected an adverse reaction and that was not what was received. Which made me feel even more stupid for lying in the first place.
On a less specific note; Don't ask if you aren't prepared for the answer. They were prepared for the answer and I was not prepared for the question.
Maybe I can't handle my own truth?
Being honest requires a certain level of vulnerability. It's frightening for most people. I've come to the conclusion that people lie because they're ashamed or fearful of a multitude of things.
I'm learning to let go one day at a time.
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